Extreme sports

I notice that Free Running has hit the headlines recently, with Wirral council banning the sport on that side of the river, so it might surprise you to know that even animals can be into extreme sports.

waiting for the corgi

I really wanted to go for a walk this morning, but instead I am stuck at home waiting for a corgi to visit and sniff round my gas boiler.

To be honest I am not looking forward to it. They are not my favourite breed as they can be snappy, temperamental, and to be frank, a bit up themselves.

But why are they the only breed allowed to work on gas appliances?

I know a really clever border collie who I call in to help me with all technical matters. He struggles to find work at the moment, but this lucrative source of work is closed to him because he was born to the wrong parents.

Is this the last canine closed shop in Britain today?

I can only think that this is a result of unfair royal patronage. Is there any MP out there willing to take up this cause?

Pay as you quit

Imagine if you could get a fat pay off every time you are sacked or quit your job, even if you then took back the position a few months later? Well just ask serial quitter Jane Kennedy who felt she deserved compensation for having her income slashed from £104,000 a year to a mere £64,766 + expenses!

First she resigned as a health minister, and was compensated with a £9,714 lump sum. A few months later she was back as a Treasury Minister, and then Minister for food (thanks to her vast experience at consuming it and sending us the bill, £13,000 don't forget) then she was either sacked or resigned (she's not quite sure which!!!) she trousered another £10,162.

Greedy Jane arrogantly argued that it wasn't worth commenting on.

“It’s an entirely separate job and entirely separate contract. These are just contractual arrangements that you don’t give a second thought to when you’re in the job or leave the job. Becoming a minister is an extremely serious job and it’s full of responsibility. You get paid a salary for doing it and you’re expected to do it over and above your constituency role," she bleated.

I wonder if the thousands of people in Liverpool made unemployed, thanks the way she helped cock up the economy as a Treasury Minister, feel she deserves to be rewarded for her failure. Particularly when she is still pocketing more than three times the average wage of her constituents.

In defence of her own £8,125 pay off, Wallasey's Angela Eagle squawked “I was sacked – that’s why I qualified for severance pay. When you do a job and you get sacked, you’re entitled to severance pay.”

I bet many people in Liverpool would be willing to face the sack, if it meant having their income cut to a mere £64,766!

compromising position

why do the tabloids think dogs are fair game? Is it because they know that most dogs can't afford to sue them? Another one of my colleagues has been caught in a compromising position with a feline friend.

He assures me that he was just getting something out of her eye, but it doesn't stop the sniggering from you humans every time he goes out.

If only all humans were as clever as their dogs

I get a lot of complaints about irresponsible dogs turning a blind eye and letting their humans leave foulings on the pavement. How hard can it be to pick up some poo - are you thinking what we're thinking?

Well I can assure you that most of my species are thoroughly ashamed of this sort of behaviour, so much so that one of my colleagues has taken matters into his own paws in the hope of getting the message across. If Rex can do it, so can you humans!

Caption competition

Runaway Jane Update

I am told that Jane is currently in France, allegedly visiting her 3rd home... So maybe no announcement this week.

I wonder who they would get to replace her if the rumour turns out to be true? Lou-Bo must surely consider herself in the running, or how about the ambitious fortnightly Nick (who has his own four legged campaign team)?

Then again Joe the Pitbull might be attracted by the higher salary. After all, first he had is own request for a pay rise knocked back by an independent panel who decided he wasn't worth it, then pledged to give himself a bumper raise if he became council leader. All could well be attracted by the thought of a monthly food allowance, and a post in the shadow cabinet.

Please form an orderly queue for a chance to take Jane's seat on the New Labour gravy train - departure delayed until May 2010 due to backbone failure at Downing Street.

Runaway Jane?

There's a story going round that Wavertree MP Jane Kennedy will announce next week that she's quitting parliament.

Or perhaps she is just going to announce that she is quitting her unhealthy habit of claiming £400 for food every month. We shall have to wait and see.