What a swine?

More antics from Luciana's obnoxious boyfriend came to light after one of my readers sent me this story where he charmingly compared star Susan Boyle to a pig.

He said: “I’m not saying Susan Boyle caused swine flu. I’m just saying that nobody had swine flu, she sang on TV, people got swine flu.”

Not surprisingly he was forced to apologise, not least because he chose to make the joke just as the death toll started to rise. No apology however was offered to Susan Boyle.

Louise Baldock declined to comment.

Joefeld

As head of a sinister shadowy organisation, this particular villain always somehow manages to inexplicably survive from one thwarted escapade to another.

Yet you have to wonder if eventually one of his evil plots to gain power and money actually succeeded, whether his organisation wouldn't simply bump him of to replace him with a more respectable figure.

If the face fits...

When making outlandish statements against your political opponents, you really need to stop and think twice about how it could turn around and bite you.

A classic example of this was exposed by Tom Morrison on his blog, after an online argument with my blogging nemesis, who was claiming that Labour leaflets are full of real people, "unlike Tom's leaflets".

Without wishing to spoil your enjoyment of Tom's article, he goes on to expose how Luciana's last glossy leaflet full of personal endorsements , was contained a number of "local residents" who are about as local as Camden Berger.

Not for the first time, I bet Luciana wishes you had kept your big mouth shut!

On facebook

I have frequently been criticised for confining myself to one medium, i.e this blog, rather than branching out into the wider webshere to share my wisdom with a wider audience.

So at last I have launched my facebook fan page, which you can join by clicking on the logo.

My facebook page gives me the opportunity to include a feature requested by many regular readers. Photo-albums so you can easily trawl back trough my lookalike archive for your amusement.

I am amazed at how many fans I have already found, so why don't you pop over and join them?

I do draw the line at twittering though.

Have you ever tried typing on a mobile phone keyboard with paws like mine? I doubt it, but believe me it's not possible.

Incedent exposure

Not yet gone, but soon forgotten, I realised it's been a long time since I updated you on the antics of my blogging nemesis.

Regular readers of the Vote 2007 forum were left shocked when Lou-Bo (under the nom-de-plume of oldwarhorse) exposed herself as penance for falsely accusing a forum poster of being a member of the odious BNP.

Someone else added to the exposure of my blogging nemesis recently, seemingly having followed her round taking pictures of her as she went about her business in town.

I really disapprove of such behaviour, and would urge you to stop such activities immediately.
I certainly never want to receive pictures like this,

and this, in my mail box again.

You have been warned. Grrrrr!

Minder(s)

I'm told the first big debate of the election took place on Sunday night, unfortunately I wasn't there as the organisers chose to exclude canines from the proceedings.

Luckily I had my own undercover agents present.

I have previously reported on the number of minders Luciana seems to need as she goes about Liverpool, but this time she set a new record.

On less than seven Labour Councillors monopolised the front row of the hall to protect Luciana and deflect criticism from her, Jim Noakes, Liam Robinson, Beatrice Frankel, Anna Rothery, Steve Rotheram, the new Fazakerley councillor, and Irene Rainy.

After one woman heckled Luciana on the NHS, one of them interceeded and actually said "my wife works for the NHS, do you want to take it outside?" (Meaning of course, to talk about the issue)

Jim Noakes (aka Frank Sidebottom) tried to lead a cat-calling of Colin Eldridge, but Colin said "I see 7 Labour councillors in this room, and all you have done is hen-peck people" - to much applause.

With so many minders, perhaps they could draft in these two cockney geezers to help make her feel safer and more at home? It's certainly an obvious choice for a campaign song.

Mid life crisis man

Nothing I could say about this obnoxious idiot could do him as much justice as his own Youtube video inviting people to sleep with Cameron's wife and take his children, or his arrogant tv interviews afterwards, as you saw here a few weeks ago.

He insists he's not a "proppa blogga" unlike his friend Tom Watson. In fact he is a "Proppa W*nkka" who makes the average Tory seem cuddly.

Really to compare him to our anti-hero from 80's comedy The Young Ones is an insult to a much loved TV character.
Talk about mid-life crisis. At 41 you are too old for a student hair cut, or to be going out with a 28 year old "glamorous" Luciana. What does she see in him? Surely not the "power" of him being a government minister?"

I don't say this lightly, but you have to think that when this former News of the World journalist abandoned his wife and two children, he was doing them a favour.

But as Sion would say, this is not offensive, its satire making an important political point. And if Sion is in any way offended by this, he should get in touch with me.

I want to hold your hand

(That's the title of a song by a popular beat combo from Liverpool, who Luciana may not have heard of)

If there is one thing you would expect an expensive public school education to give you, it's self confidence.

Not so for young Luciana, who is apparently unable to canvass without Jane Kennedy at her side, and had to have the outgoing MP holding her hand for last night's ITV debate (which you can watch here).

Meanwhile, Picton campaigners tell me that she needed City Centre Labour Councillor Steve Mumby to take her to a community meeting in a local school.

He had to personally take her into the actual meeting, before quickly leaving looking rather embarrassed. Rather like a parent taking a shy toddler to a children's party.

"And this is Wavertree's prospective MP?" I hear you exclaim.

Surely most teenagers could represent themselves better than this? How would she cope with speaking in the bear pit of parliament? Not so much a "strong voice" but a squeak from behind the bench.

"Berger crumbles" say students

While the voters of Wavertree eagerly await the broadcast of the first televised head to head debate between local candidates (tonight at 11.35 on ITV) JMU Journalism students have given us an advance review of London Luciana's performance.

Berger crumbles in Wavertree debate

"Wavertree's Labour candidate, Luciana Berger fell to pieces in the first debate of the Election campaign... When given 30 seconds to sell themselves in the debate at Riley's Snooker Hall near Picton Clock, Berger froze, clasping her hands over her head repeatedly saying: “Sorry, can we start again?"

Following the re-take, which saw Colin Eldridge reiterate his pitch on fairness for the electorate, the 27-year-old Labour hopeful spoke in an unconvincing manner about her confidence in the party.

The shaky start then got worse as Eldridge blamed the lack of funding for police and university students on Labour’s ID card scheme, which was met with a weak response by Berger.

Tory Garnett then hit the crumbling candidate with yet more blame: “For too long this Labour government has tied our police down through bureaucracy and bureaucracy.”

He also highlighted early releases from prison to be the cause of a surge in crime. After a lengthy pause, Berger could only reply: "I don't think that's right."

After the filming, Berger left swiftly with the current Labour MP for Wavertree, Jane Kennedy, whilst the other candidates mingled with the TV crew and spoke to JMU Journalism.

Despite numerous requests by JMU Journalism, Berger would not comment on her performance."

Oh dear, sounds like Labour's high flyer has had her wings clipped. And her request to start again is reminiscent of John Prescott's infamous "Sorry I made that cr*p" gaff.

So clearly the people of Wavertree are being offered a Labour candidate who is neither local nor competent. So what's left?

Admittedly Luciana is prettier than Eldridge, and has a red rosette. Do they really think that is enough?

It's chaos back there"

These where the words of one Labour councillor when told by a kind Lib Dem that the same Burger leaflet was being delivered to a patch for the third time.

Perhaps it is no wonder that so many signs are appearing in windows to say that residents don't want to receive berger and takeaway flyers. They are just sick of receiving the same bland message.

What happened? Did you over-order and decide to keep on delivering until you ran out of leaflets?

Further evidence of Luciana's campaign being in chaos came as Tom Morrision's blog reported that Luciana's carefully targeted mailing was being sent to Lib Dem candidates and even the Lib Dem agent himself.

These are the sort of errors that a normal candidate would have fixed a year out from the election. Poor, very poor.

"Gota new mota?"

As Dale Street Blues reported, poor hapless Luciana is in trouble again.

This time "Two Cars Burger" has been caught hiding her own car (with it's £5000 personalised number plate) at her parents house in London, while she drives her brother's more modest car around on the campaign trail in Liverpool, with Labour insiders admitting this is part of a ploy to prevent her looking "too posh for Liverpool".Surely this is in itself an insult and is nothing but a snob's view on Liverpool. Was Jane Kennedy ever attacked (even on this blog) for driving round Liverpool in an expensive Jaguar?

It reminds me of the Labour MP who used to drive up to the outskirts of his poor mining constituency in his Rolls Royce, and swap to a mini for the last couple of miles.

More interesting is her claim to need two cars because she had to have separate cars in Liverpool and London.

Is that because you are really still living in London and only coming "oop north" to campaign? If so, then fine. But didn't you claim in your first press release to have moved to Liverpool "last year?" That wouldn't have been a lie would it?

Fellow voyager

A Mr Jimmy Kirk of Roddenberry Avenue wrote in to tell me that he had been away for the past 5 years, and was delighted to stumble across this enterprising blog on his recent flying visit.

He also predicted that Uncle Joe would be disappointed in May, as the Lib Dems cling-on to power, before offering up this potential lookalike of one of his fellow travelers.

Getting a rough time?

I'm told that Lib Dem campaigners are getting daily stories from residents stopping them to proudly recount the abuse they have given to London Luciana.

This appear to be so bad that, as show in this image from Granada Reports, she needs three minders to protect her from abuse and help avoid any further gaffes.

REAL vile blogging

Labour visitors to this blog often like to take the moral high ground, condemning my canine brand of humour, particularly relating to some of my sarcastic comments about Luciana.

So I invite you to watch Luciana's obnoxious toad of a boyfriend in action, condemning anyone who fails to see the "humour" of him inviting people to have sex with Cameron's wife and take his children away.

It won't surprise readers all that much to learn that he is a former journalist for The Sun's sister paper, The News Of The World. Says it all really!

See the face of vile Labour blogging and dare compare anything I have said to workings of this idiot.



Of course it won't stop them, because they are hypocrites.

Giza Holiday

Uncle Joe Anderson has announced that his first act as Leader of the Council (snigger) would be to go on an all expenses paid jolly to Egypt.

What possible excuse could he find for such a jolly?

Well the campaign to bring HMS Whimbrel back to Liverpool stalled after the Egyptian government raised their asking price to £1 million.

"The £1m price is ridiculous and if I’m elected council leader, I shall go to Egypt to tell them this is not a commercial venture.” Liverpool Echo yesterday.

So apparently the trip is necessary as the only way to give the Egyptian defense minister that little nugget of information.

I have never been, but I am told they do in fact have telephones, email and can receive ordinary post in that country. Perhaps someone should tell Uncle Joe?

This is hot on the heels of Joe's bid to twin Liverpool with a city in South Africa in time for the world cup. No doubt this would involve even more arduous travel for our would be "Junket Joe", and on top of the £50,000 a year he could be planning to pay himself.

No wonder he is turning down the chance to be an MP. Not enough perks and travel opportunities!

You rang?

We've already had Uncle (Joe) Fester and Morticiana Adams, so many thanks to the reader who send me this picture of the family's loyal servant Lurch.

Life in The Sun

Many have said that the Labour leadership think the sun shines out of Luciana's... (how would Jim Royle put it?)

But Londoner Luciana failed to realise that following The Sun is a big no no in Liverpool. In fact I would go so far as to say I wouldn't have my own mess picked up with that rag!

The internet is awash with condemnation for happless Luciana for following The Sun "newspaper" on Twitter, with Liverpool FC supporters especially outraged.

Clearly if she had any real interst in Liverpool at all, she would have read up on key local events such as the Hillsborough tragedy and would understand why everyone was so upset.

More and more people are coming to the conclusion that she only cares about furthering herself and her own ambitions.

At first it was funny, but this has to be the final straw. Luciana, it's time you paid for your own ticket back to London, because the people of Liverpool are sure as hell not going to be sending you there to represent them.

Holy imitations

While my pious Labour readers in Liverpool like to take the moral high-ground and condemn every satirical comment made by Sally and me, their colleagues over on the Wirral seem to have more of a sense of humour.

A reader referred me to the blog of Sister Mary of Wallasey, who seems to operate on a remarkably similar premise to the blog in front of you.

Sister Mary's blog is awash with lookalikes and political gossip. And even the disclaimer appears to have been copied from my humble little blog.

This is the satirical blog of Sister Mary of Wallasey and all entries are written in Mary's personal capacity.
It is in no way designed to represent the official (or unofficial) viewpoint of any political party or candidate, and is not within their control. A fellow sister in the Tory Party inspired Mary to bring this blog to life. You know who you are! Enjoy!

So I am waiting for my Labour readers to head over there and condemn their colleagues for their disgraceful mockery of the Catholic Church, and using a fake nun to hurle vile abuse at their opponents.

I won't hold my breath!

Now Labour want to tax your furry friend

Sorry for the delay in today's update, there was some confusion between Dude & myself over who was posting today.

If there is one thing that can traditionally be said about the English, it's that you are a nation of animal lovers.

Rich or poor, young or old, many people value the companionship and protection offered by my species.

So it would seem like shooting yourself in the foot for any political party to impose a tax on dog ownership. But that is what Labour now plan.

When they should be cracking down on canine thugs and their shaven headed owners, in typical New Labour style they plan to hit everyone, from the Chihuahuab to the St Bernard with a stealth tax and make little old ladies sit an exam to decide if they should be allowed to keep their faithful friend and companion.

The plan has already been attacked by animal charities, who rightly point out that yobs will ignore the test, leaving responsible owners penalized.

I know that my elderly owner is already getting worried about this, and was getting upset at the prospect as she read her newspaper. In the end I had to put my head through the paper to cheer her up.

The blogosphere is already awash with angry comments, saying Labour want to ban the poor from having pets.

This is one ill thought out policy which seriously needs to be dropped.

'avin' a giraffe

One of my regular readers on a visit to London spotted a likeness between this cockney geezer and the "Micky Mouse" Labour leader.

His history of bullying and thuggish behaviour has made him unpopular with many, so it's no surprise that the former pub landlord with a reputation for violence was voted number 2 in a poll of characters we most love to hate.

Always ranting when he's on our television screens, he usually ends up looking like a right bowler hat. And with rumours abound of plots to remove him in a few months, it looks like he could be well and truly rubber ducked!

Gotta dash, need to go outside for a "Rusty Lee"!

Please back Steve

Regular readers will be surprised to see me trying to influence Labour party selections. But I can't sit back and watch Steve Rotheram pushed out again by another high-flying parachutist imposed London.

So I am taking the unusual step of appealing directly to my many loyal (and not so loyal) Labour readers to do whatever they can to help Steve get selected.

This is no slight on Patrick Moloney, who is the Lib Dem candidate for Walton. I have yet to met him, but I am told he is also a very nice chap and would make a great MP. And it would be great to know that whichever of them won, Walton will end up with a good MP who will fight for local people.

I met Steve during his period as Lord Mayor, and will never forget how he took time to shake my paw and scratch behind my ear.

I can't say a single bad word about him, he is such a genuinely nice bloke, who has shown himself to be a good ambassador for our city.

With Steve Rotheram & Colin Eldridge working together, we would have at least two MPs who will put the interest of Liverpool above tribal party politics and fight for our city.

That's got to be better than the collection of malcontents and greasy-pole climbers, who have put their own promotions or egos first, that we have had to endure in recent parliaments.

Have a great weekend!

Lots of love & licks,
Dude

Lucianalambanana

In an effort to try and gain a place in Scousers hearts, young Luciana hijacked a much loved Liverpool icon to get her message across.

-----------------update------------------

I had to update this page to make sure you all saw this very funny description of the picture by Ethical Bill.

"A sort of Lady Godiva in reverse, riding through the town fully clothed to support a Government that leaves the poor to be harshly taxed while allowing billionaires to get away with paying less tax than their cleaners!"

Nice one Bill, wish I'd thought of it!

Kilfoyle quits

So, hot off the press is news that highly respected Walton MP Peter Kilfoyle is standing down.

Is this Dude's second expenses scalp? Or have Joe, Louise Ellman and Luciana finally managed to push him out.

His free thinking and his statesman like stand against New Labour Carpet Baggers won him many enemies on his own side, but can he really be expected to go quietly?

And who will succeed him? As Dude predicted, this was always a better seat for Steve Rotherham to throw his hat in for. But will he get his chance?

Will it be another all women shortlist? Does Luciana have a sister? Perhaps Steve needs to raise funds for a trip to Amsterdam. A quick operation could have him seriously in the running again!

Alternatively, it is so close to the election now that the NEC will impose a candidate. Nice majority, little work involved, so a great opportunity for another carpet bagger.

How about Mrs Blair, or perhaps this is where Peter Mandelson plans to make his much talked about come back, in preparation for a leadership bid after the election.

Luciana's pledges

Arrogant Luciana may have ruffled a few feathers with her second leaflet.

She announces (several times) what she plans to do "WHEN I am elected as your member of parliament."

Voters may be surprised to learn that their imperious leader has decided that democracy will be suspended in Wavertree, as they can't be trusted to vote for the cockney lady in the red rosette.

So choice will apparently be taken away from them and Luciana will be your MP, even if none of you vote for her!

OK, admittedly that sounds just like the Labour selection (can you find any Labour member who will admit voting for her?)

Like all of my species, I study human nature very closely. And over the years I have picked up that people (in Liverpool at least) don't like that sort of arrogance, any more than they like carpet baggers.

What next I hear you ask? "When I am elected, I will have a very big house on my expenses... your just jealous!"

And as someone pointed out in the Echo letters page, she keeps on getting her leaflets printed in Cambridge (with her mates down south?) can someone please have a quiet word and explain that we do have printers oop north. Where does she think we print Whippet's Weekly and the "Which Cloth Cap" guide?

green Eagle

Many thanks to the Eagle Eyed reader who sent this lookalike in.

Sam the Eagle is well known for thinking himself more "highbrow" and intellectual than the other characters on the show and has a great sense of superiority.

Any such similarity with a certain green councillor is purely co-incidental.

And so our long season of lookalikes could be coming to an end, unless you have other ideas?

Have you spotted a lookalike we haven't done yet? If so, send it in to me or to Sally quick as you can.

Luciana's local pad

You will recall Luciana claimed in her first press release to have been living in Liverpool since last year, even though Jane Kennedy said "the kid had nowhere to stay" during the selection process in January.

Since then the hunt has been on to track down her home in the city that backs up this outlandish claim.

So full marks to Picton terrier Timbo, who may have sniffed out her rather compact, but cheap, accommodation address recently. And it has the added advantage of being able to be loaded onto a van for transport back to London on May 7th.

Final Demand

And now for the latest round of the expenses saga (actually have any of our "Past their sell by date" MPs claimed for a Saga Holiday?).

Peter Kilfoyle was forced to repay £324.16 for Mortgage interest overpayments. Small beer perhaps, but maybe he should have employed his daughter to independantly research how much he was actually paying in interest before he put the claim in?

Meanwhile Jane Kennedy received a demand to repay £2,569.83 for Mortgage interest/council tax/utility bill overpayments and Mobile phone bills. But never mind dear, you got away with the £400 a month in food, and £20,000 "redundancy payment" for resigning twice. And of course you will be getting another £60,000 to soften the blow in May. Don't spend it all at once.

Of course, the taxpayer can expect much bigger windfalls from Labour MPs, such as the £20,000 that the boyfriend of lovely Luciana was forced to repay, after he was caught renting a flat from his sister.

But the prize for getting away with it has to go to Jane Kennedy's "close friend" Geoff Hoon who got away with building up a £1.7 million property empire by flipping his allowances.

Now that would pay for a few holidays in retirement!

Lots of love, Sally!

Two conspiracy theories for the price of one

It seems I have set the trend once again, and our Luciana is now the subject of satire across the city and nationwide.

I just came across this fantastic picture Liverpool Confidential complete with campaign interview with Jim Royle.

Meanwhile Labour's civil war escalated as Riverside Labour MP and Labour Friends of Israel member Louise Ellman accused Walton Labour MP Peter Kilfoyle of an "anti Zionist conspiracy."

Joe the Pitbull had already slammed Peter Kilfoyle, suggesting he was past his sell by date, only for Kilfoyle to hit back suggesting that Joe was incompetent.

At this rate will any of Labour's senior figures in Liverpool be talking to each other by polling day?

Top of the hate list of course must be Wavertree MP Jane Kennedy who created this mess in the first place by setting up her protégé.

You have to wonder if she's actually a mole trying to bring Labour down from the inside. Is this plan b from the curry house plot?

Richard McDursley

Watching a film with the kids over the weekend gave me another lookalike idea for your entertainment.

This famous resident of Little Whinging kept poor Harry Potter locked in the cupboard under the stairs for years, so no doubt we can thank Labour Councillor Richard Mclinden for influencing Daniel Radcliff's decision to come out as a Liberal Democrat.

And is that Nick small I see with him?

Did you miss me?

Clearly not, seems to be the answer, and who could blaim you when you had the lovely Sally The Sheepdog taking my place.

She did such a good job I think I should really give her a regular column.

So where was I?

Well on vet's advice I took a few weeks off to relax. It'sa stressful job running an award winning blog, particularly when you have to deal with regular threats of violence or death. Not something any little dog should endure, and the RSPCA are investigating.

So I took some time off, acceping a long standing invitation from family in Linconshire to go and stay in their lovely cottage.

As you would expect, the sausages were amazing and I really didnt want to come home.

But all good things come to an end, and now I'm back home.

And there is so much to catch up on!

I will be grilling my regular sources for more juicy stories, so watch this space.

Lots of love and licks,
Dude

Rickaaaaaaaay!!!

Just as you thought the Berger campaign couldn't get any more farcical, in steps Jim Royle (aka Ricky Tomlinson) threatening to launch a classic "Berger my A*se" campaign.

Can't wait to see the window posters appearing.

And so she has become the subject of satire in a much more mainstream than the community than covered by this blog, as you can see here in The Spoof! Next stop Private Eye? Nothing to do with me, honest Luce!

Whether she did in fact think that shankly was a cut of meat, we can only speculate. But I do like the idea that Independent Labour activists could be putting Stan Boardman up as a candidate in Kensington & Chelsea - he would have about as much chance as our Luciana has here!

Yet she has come back fighting with half a barrel blazing. In her defense steps Cherie (any chance of a freebie) Blair. Must have cost you a pretty penny in free mugs.

However if you had visited Liverpool during Blair's premiership, you would realise that they weren't popular here even before Iraq.

Rolling pins at dawn

Pull up those stockings and put your curlers in, as Councillor Joe (batty) Hanson could well be drawing his rolling pin to star in a potential remake of last of the summer wine.

Co-stars, Compo (claim) Brant and Foggy (or is that tobacco smoke?) Kennedy, are yet to be confirmed.

Swiss Tory

At last I have found a photo of our Swiss banker Tory candidate.

I had to act fast, to show you this before anyone else does."Standing for the Tories in Liverpool is rather like making love to a beautiful women.... you try to pace yourself for a long campaign, and your dream is to come second. But in the end it all falls flat, and your left making up excuses for why it keeps happening to you."

Now her boyfriend quits

More bad news for Luciana, as her 41 year old Minister boyfriend announces he is quitting parliament, claiming he wants to be Mayor of Birmingham instead.

By co-incidence, a few weeks ago he was exposed for breaking parliamentary rules by renting his second home from his sister, and forced to repay £20,000.

Of course, he is best remembered as a childish blogger, making a sick Youtube video telling viewers it would be cool to sleep with David Cameron's wife and take his children away.

Our Luciana does seem to prefer to be associated with powerful people. Hanging round with the Primrose Hill set, allowing rumours that she was going out with Euan Blair, working for Jane Kennedy when she was a Minster, smoozing with the wealthy backers of Labour Friends of Israel, and going out with the Minister for creative industry.

So not only is she losing yet another powerful backer, they also won't be able to set up home together when she moves back to London in a few weeks. Will she be willing to slum it in Birmingham?

Luck that she still has her own flat in Camden to go back to.

But you have to wonder if this is going to put a strain on the relationship?

After all, why didn't the stupid man slip you the wink that he was quitting his relatively safe Birmingham seat, before you got lumbered with a no hoper oop north!

Swiss banker from Bucks

Time for another look at Amersham Councillor Mr Garnett, who will wave the blue flag in Wavertree.

He is truly the invisible man, even the national Tory website can't find a photo or biography on him. And perhaps I have found the reason why.

I've done some digging and found him on the Amersham Tory website. where he boasts of being a Director of a large banking corporation.

Further research revealed the bank in question was the highly respectable Union Bank of Switzerland, otherwise known as UBS, famous for holding on to the assets of holocaust victims until 1998. Last year UBS declared losses of £11.6 billion and had to write off $49 billion in sub-prime loans!

If you're looking for someone to blame for the recession, Alf Garnett is the closest you're going to see in Liverpool.

To be honest though, I don't expect our Swiss Banker to do much more than come up for the day, and then fizz back to Bucks.

So get those tomatoes ready!